need to cry

i have a sudden urge to watch a really sad love story and cry my hearts out. in the silence of the night, all i can think of is hurt in his words and pain of his actions towards me. i should be imagining, have been gone, and looked away. nothing is ever going to be anything.

my experience of life is not in-depth enough as many people. probably that is why my petty problems always seemed so amplified.

mind into the wood of lost

Urban jungle view. i love the urban jungle view through my office's window and enjoy looking up the skyscrapers' sky when i am on ground level. Yet today i suddenly wondered if it is really the buildings that i like or do i secretly crave for the freedom sky. (probably, friends who know me well can do a poll then notify me of the outcome). Frankly, I would rather the result be buildings than the freedom sky.

Freedom in life. An ideal state which I have always crave. Yet if one fine sunny day, should this be offered to me in a platter, will i take it delightfully or instead lock myself in a cage and throw away the key? Do I take on this pointless pursue to run away from situations which I don't fancy or from a life that i can't restart like a desktop.

This week. I have talked over a million words on dozens of topics recently on shrinks, pets which behave like kids, singlehood, ideas, work, tattoos, cars and crystal ball. Alot of words ... but still there have been no focus and answers.

Current. I don't even really feel like shopping much anymore, which is an indication that I am seriously un-me right now. Unless someone has seen a fish walk. What i see, think or feel seemed the same. Probably, I am re-alinging to reach equilibrium.

today, i am a girl lost in THE abyss of lost.

to say that it doesnt hurt is denial of the fact that i used to like.
to say that i don't care is my comfort to her and a suppression to myself.
i don't have the courage to face competition and win.

winning. it has never been about winning. for there has never yet been any tug-of-war.
but it still hurts at times whenever i see and starts to think. i make letting go looks so easy and quick to everyone else.

i should not care for him who knows not me ...