love is self-inflicted pain

when i first came across this original korean title a few years ago, i gave it a miss because i have always hated the idea of people in love who always move on opposite direction in any space and time and never meet. yes, i didn't catch 'turn left, turn right', though i adored takeshi kanershiro and jimmy's comic world! yet the temptation is very strong this june when Keanu Reeves (I have been IN LOVE with him since his LAPD speed days) acted in the lake house, the 'ang moh' adaptation as i called it. knowing that adaptation means changes in the storyline, it was a frantic search for the original version prior. within the short time span, i went from zilch il mare to 2 vcds now; one borrowed from a friend and another was just bought it on my behalf by a friend from parkway parade.

i supposed the 'ang moh' did a compressed adaptation of the original version and defintely added in their own elements. at least both seemed to have much cooler careers! both verisons are still draggy in the same ways but the koreans filmed it in a very MTV way though. the long and short of it, my most memorable scenes were from the 'ang moh' adaptation. he grew her a tree! any girl will feel touched and also a full grown tree is defintely so much more economical. his character also wrote her words on the wall 2 years prior. this wall concluded their 'across-timebelt' stroll around Chicago. but the koreans have a sweeter conclusion and more memorable lines. my favourite was, 'love is self-inflicted pain'. how true is that.

but there are billions of people who thinks the world of this process. what is then love? probably some chemistry reaction that occurs in humans occassionally, according to scientists. like fireworks, beauty meets connection at that precise moment then crash and burn. maybe instead of chasing fireflies, i should get myself a 'gardener' who can grow me a tree then i will no longer has to go through the process of self-inflction.

guilt is a terrible conscience. what have i advocate? what karma have i achieved? beliving in personal freedom and choice in a society teaching confucian value is like a bird caged. then if free will is used as freely as the name suggests than why do we still bind ourselves with the weights of moral and civic reponsibilities. I cannot shoulder what i cannot undone, i am in no position why then do i try to be heroic?

at this time tonight, it is tearing me up. my guilt on telling the truth. my guilt on not supporting the seemingly right of way. my guilt on causing an indirect and unfair hurt to an undeserving party.

my guilt and wrong. i should maintain silence.

black white and grey

when the difference makes no difference anymore,
my answer is that i have finally understood my intent well to make the choice.

when the line seperating boundaries no longer presents itself as a barrier,
life to me, is rounds and rounds of blessed ironies travelling on a matrix of time.

when the truths of all truths are the best of all gifts,
we have simplifed all complexities....

... when i look at the games people play, sometimes, I feel the sense of relief that I am often just the spectator looking in. As most times, I have the privilige to look at the fuller picture and drew my own conclusions and learnings. I am not the jury or part of any committee to judge the decisions people commit, but rather when I began to see, I can walk every step away in a more sauve and swift manner. I can finally BECOME and MAKE the ME i want with lesser reservations.

sea

leaving the ocean in nautical fashion. sailors, pirates and even seagulls, they are but all sea creatures.

no ..

My existence and his existence are just mere 2 of the many other people around. If he knows, will he cast me another look? Probably not.

dew and the leaf

let the cruel truth sinks in and let go. why is the dew always seeking the attention of the leaf?
the leaf is growing and still making oxygen. the absence of the dew is insignificant to the functioning of the leaf. so by refusing the slide off his petal is a matter of her own empty persistent and foolish comfort.

my transformation

my transformation from a full-fledged crown princess to a soon-to-be mechanical girl by day ...
What am I truly am then? ... just a fluid of circumstances.

i should stop now.

i should stop now. i should stop now. i should stop now.

the director in my play ...

I know the theory and the drill. But what i cannot let go is my obstinate self. it is like throwing an egg into a stone. But since it has always been my own play, I must then scripted the ending and enjoyed it like a spectator. I feel so sad whenever I thought about this play. Initially, hope is the key message at the closing scene but what the audience really want is a sad finale. the audience is turning away from my theatre, not waiting for the conclusion anymore but no matter the urgency, I just cannot pen it... I cannot. You may say, alot of things are not based on how i feel and think. The truth is so brutal to me, it is totally... since it has always been my play, I have to end it somehow. But i am not really to leave the theatre yet, the worst is seeing expressionless and emotionless audience. Someone please save me from this heartache ...

star-shaped crystal tear

the crown princess sat on the bench in the garden and looked at the star-shaped crystal tear which she had dug up again. it was her favourite item but still she had to bury them because she realised that none of the tears belonged to her as they never glow. the crown princess's majesty mother used to tell her that one day she will find her own star-shaped crystal tear. when the tear glowed, she will know that then it's hers. she has subjected her favourite star-shaped crystal tear to the coolest northern shore wind, heat it with the purest southern fire and chill it in the iciest perk mountain but it just won't glow. she remembered her thorough saddness and covered the tear up again. she is not sure who is happier, her fruitless pursuit for her own glowing star-shaped crystal tear or her mermaid friend.

her mermaid friend used to lead a beautiful carefree life but now she is living in an almost infinite pain because she fell in love with a mortal man who can neither swim nor love the sea.

Correlation between singlehood and loneliness

I have attained realisation recently in my reply to a friend's question and perhaps have even unlocked the mystery of the correlation between singlehood and loneliness. Maybe for singles, who are also residents of planet la-la wonderland, we are just too self-absorbed and pre-occupied with feeling this and thinking that all the time. Thus loneliness feels like the tail-end of a breeze. Perhaps its also the fragments of artistic flare in us which only want to seek inspiration from pain and tears. But we can hardly grow out of anything. Because for my fellow self-absorbed singles la-la wonderland comrades, we will evetually get over all misguided and unrequited love just to fall into another abyss of page out of Danielle Steel .. perfectly fulfilling our primary motto of to live & feel.