on simple love equation & happiness

I can't get to sleep again. My favorite shows these days mainly involved simple-minded ladies who eventually ended up with intelligent guys who will love them till the end of times. Also because in the meantime, there aren’t enough scary movies and I am really seriously running out of friends to watch such movies with.

But sometimes, i think love is a beautiful illusion. It is the sweetest while it last. I have known, heard and seen all sorts of love stories belonging to good friends or their friends or friends of friends and etc. ever since my secondary school days. From messy, brain-taxing complicated love relationships to very empty ones which sole purpose is to satisfy each other’s very physical desires and needs. Yet ultimately, my all-time favorites are always the ones with the simplest storyline. Boy meets girl, they got married and lived happily ever after with three kids, some even have pets in a nice and cosy hdb flat called home. That feeling is exactly like how you feel after having eaten the best and most exotic food from around the world, yet at the end of the day you still missed your mom's cooking. But recently, perhaps autumn is nearing; there have been a lot of fallen leaves everywhere. As I listened, I also hear myself. Emotions are habits which are very hard to break, I know very well that we all seek B to either fill the emptiness left by A or a urgency to push A out. Yet, if we are not ready to even want to let go, then we are all just fire-fighters.

Where is the happiness then? Some of us may find happiness when seeking our love path in our most miserable or frustrating times. But, I just feel that this is all very suffocating and draining to every aspect of life. Recently i was asked why I should empower that right to another person, to my own happiness. And let him be the dictator and rationed me on it every moment and day. It is like putting your money in the bank then they levied you with taxes for not putting more money into your own account :P yeah, i am still quite sore on having 2 bucks deducted from my bank account since the scheme started from day one. I totally agreed with her that as a grown adult, though sometimes i still switched between earth and la-la wonderland, I am fully capable of lighting up my own life. Then i started talking to a friend and realized that this empowerment of happiness to their male counterparts is a habitual and obvious blind choice that women always make, regardless of their age, religion and period. Why do women always have to be the one to feel that they are wrong to have done this and that, thus the results to their love relationships became the way they are now. For centuries, men like westerners, have always proclaimed that they are indeed superior and saint-like. It is always an illusion that I totally disagree with. Besides, being physically more capable, they are just like women, simply because, we are all classified as a type of animal - Humans. I suppose these claims have their perks in modern times, where the responsibilities of supporting an entire clan are still on the men's. While men work and bring home food, we, women can still go for manicures and rot at home once in awhile if we want to quit our bosses at work. Don't stare at me, I am not complaining about this though. I can't lie through my teeth even if i want to deny that I didn't even like shopping at all.

Regardless, I think no matter how big a woman, people think I am. I am still a small person and it is still nice to hide behind someone once in awhile.

But most importantly, I really want to wish all my dear friends this very simple path to happiness. It is when they are all well and happy, that I can also find joy. Hahaaaaa, ain’t this my choice then …. haaaa ..i want to find my happiness too actually ..

perky songs :-)

" ... 一切新鲜有点冒险请告诉我怎么走到终点没有人了解没有人像我和陌生人的爱恋我想我会开始想念你可是我刚刚才遇见了你我怀疑这奇遇只是个恶作剧我想我已慢慢喜欢你因为我拥有爱情的勇气我任性投入你给的恶作剧你给的恶作剧 ... "

" ... 我不知道你的需要你对我的要求我从来没做到你怎么受的了但我总是只见到你微笑痛苦总是往肚子里吞掉只希望有一天我能明了你的好我假装对你不在意假装失去我的记忆为了隐藏以前痛苦回忆我选择放弃放心去爱人的权利因为我不相信自己不相信你不相信一句话叫做真心真意我选择绝情绝义你把我当作情人我却把你当作敌人我的人生就是充满猜疑忌恨不要浪费精神在我身上寻找永恒执迷不悔只会在你我身上造成一道道永远的伤痕 能不能就对着我说爱我能不能就陪着我天长地久不要对我若即若离让我伤心泪流能不能就对着我说爱我能不能就陪着我一直到最后从今以后剩下的路要你陪我走 ... "

sunday afternoon

waiting for all my pictures to load onto shutterfly so that i can go out. in the meantime, i am also listening to my current hits of the moment and watching charmed... then i realised that love is the most ridiculous thing that has happened to mankind among a truckload of many other different things. this guy on TV was acting a character who was from a broken home. Thus he habitually bailed out when he gets close with his love interest for fear of them abandoning him first. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!! a relationship between a man and woman is so seemingly strong yet volatile and useless all at once. what is this shit of wanting to love and be loved yet can't because i .. er.. i .. er.. modern relationships are a load of crap! nothing but a game between cowardly individuals who are all lonely with empty goals in life.

i said that probably, i am also locked in my own frustration. the him, who i like should not matter to me anymore than i allow him to be. cos' if i can't be bothered, where will he be in my life? EXACTLY! nowhere. people are like collectors' toys, they only have value because the other person deemed them that power. if not, all will be just a piece of junk in the storeroom. honestly, i am also valueless to the other person thus, the big woman in me, encourages the fair treatment too. it is just frustrated with being in frustration over things that i deemed not valuable to any aspects of my life at the moment. except to fulfil my needs of having a companion; someone to give me the reassurance when i need them, feeling of security and knowing that there is someone else who i can hide behind, wait for me, buy me coffee, accompany me home at late hours and on trips to many other places around the world. nice thoughts indeed. but if him, can't do any of these then what is his purpose? thus then i should not have bothered. emotions are all like firefly. alot of them die off and get new lease of life everyday.

i can accept my werid reasoning that he exists and matters because of my current needs to get a person to fill my emotional void where the huge hole was... this should be just the sole purpose. i need to feel neglect bestowed by someone who is almost on par with my ex-crown prince so that i can bury my old pain.

simple & pure

我不要单恋了！
因为那是一段有残缺的爱。
因为今天我要还我自己自由及一颗完整的活泼心。

Being able to like is my means of checking that my heart is still alive. But today, I realized that happiness can actually be obtained in the simplest and purest way. Met a foreign stranger on my way home and well, viola what do you know about some makeup and confidence can do! Talking to a stranger is fun and nice because no other types of commitments are required. It is a just touch base then go and we move on feeling pleasant thereafter.

my love destiny ... lost and yet to be found

i finally understood why when i chose emptiness to be the brighter lass, people thought that i am at the bottom in the well of depression. the explaination was that, it seemed that then, i have a very void soul. perhaps, i have misunderstood myself. perhaps, i have been too locked up in my cell of solitude.

i know what i need all along, unknown to the world around me. a soulmate who can introduce a down- to-earth theory in my life and make me a partical person. but when i think of the fact that, not all lonely people in the world finds someone eventually. especially, when i have to coax myself into embracing solitude a little more each time after my every unsuccessful attempts ... my wick of hope just fluttered and weakened. i am lousy at capturing hearts and i don't think that i can ever learn the art as well ... maybe some day my prince charming will turn up and then tells me that he has lost his way, but until then, my love destiny is in my denial of the void that i constantly feel.

Loneliness & Emptiness

Loneliness is not a sole proprietorship - this is a fresh prospective from something which I have read. But like emptiness, it is also a plight. The only thing they shared is the very thin line separating both, I guess. I can’t decide which of the two is better-off though.

Emptiness may be better ultimately. As, it is what, which is felt when you are in a zen-like state. While loneliness is a result of a lack of fulfillment to a part of you. Yet, people who are feeling either emptiness or loneliness are perhaps just the by-products of urbanization. It is a modern sickness where there aren’t many things on-going in our 9 to 5 work shift life. A laziness to seek new things and an unwillingness to venture out of our comfort zone. Thus reminds me of another thing which I have came across, we are then all living in a generation of waiting for things to happen, that may not in real life.

In the light of this whole new round-about feelings, thoughts and realizations. I think I will go and learn tennis, maintain a work hard and play hard mindset because things happen as they meant to.

我的自由

没发生的事和物， 不是因为它还没有发生
而是命中早以注定，它是不曾会发生的了。
哪，等代只是一个自我安慰的挥霍，一个不甘心的借口。
这是一件多残酷但又非常现实的领悟。
惑许是时候，我应该彻底放开自己的心及手
让自己获得完全的自由和少一些背负。
我真是有那么爱他人吗？
还是我只是需要他人的温度和陪伴，
爱他人所有，而我自己所切的那个天分。
如果他人根本是不适合我的， 我还要坚持吗？
禁果就真的有那么好吃吗？
有时候，人总是往往在夜深人静时思考，思考中领悟。
领悟后丧心。但因为感情只是人生应该拥有的一部分