leaving

when he asked me, i felt sad and as if i have made a wrong decision to leave. I knew clearly what are the various type of decisions which I have already made using my heart and head. In the end, it felt more right to be rationale. Maybe, it was also the excuse of wanting to get over him, an impossibility that i told myself to go, no matter how unwilling i was.

why is it so hard for him to see me ... and for me to let go of my feelings for him regardless of what harsh reality ...

night thoughts

love between bilateral parties is very much self contained. it is not about possession and time becomes inconsequential. communication becomes the key of success. but what you will lost is yourself. unrequited love is about self torture and drowning in a sea of your own assumptions and tears. but here, time becomes a baggage and takes a toll on you both physically and mentally. in the end, you will just see him walking away from you. no turning back but right towards a new future without you. you are just left behind like an old toy.

i am tired. but still i can't stop. one day, i am going to be so broken. why do i only like wind-like characters. probably, it is because, i refused to believe in impossibility and don't want to move on. since a long time ago, i have already seen this as an issue which i have to deal with alone.

(I can't seem to) make you mine

I had him in my sight out of the corner of my eyes and I began to force myself to forget him and moved on. Fate seemed to say that we are not the couple to be and over the past months, my heart had been broken into more and more pieces. he is the man who sees me not and how long am i going to torture myself over him. perhaps, I like that he seemed to be an odd one and his inability to speak well interests me.

it felt nice to be beside him but yet saddness sets in at the very same instant because it just makes the 'letting go' harder. But at the rare private occassions, his hash words rudely awaken me to the cruel reality that I have neither presence nor cast anything, so much as a shadow in his life.

I am just an ordinary passerby, like the many other persons who we have rubbed shoulders with everyday in the MRT to work.

i just can't seemed to be able to let go but yet I am helpless that love always seemed so out of touch from me. for once, can fate puts me into his life. if there is one thing which i feel that i can have a choice in, can we be wired into each other's world ...

broken ..

in my frustrated mind, i have a broken toy. now i think even if it is repaired, i may not want it again ...

i am returning him ...

like taking a train in a busy cosmopolitian city. I got on and he got off. he got on and i got off. hardly ever crossing path. yet why can i still feel his remote presence. but while i have seen him among the crowd, he seems to be pursuing an impossible dream. one which i have frown upon yet can't hate anyone and even him for, no matter how hard i have tried. maybe, i owe him a debt from our previous lives. and in this lifetime, it is arranged that i should meet and like him. his role then, is to be a passerby in my life and gradually bury me in his world where i was never present since the beginning of time. my repayment to him is a cruelty which only i know.

go

I think I am still hung on an idea... an old feeling. A feeling which has always hiding in the shadows, in the darkness. Perhaps, it is like a can of food which has long passed its expiry date and must be discarded. Maybe, I have been walking the path as an individual for too long and now I need to feel the warmth of another by my side. To be there for me when I need comfort in the silence of the night. He is almost gone now. It is my mistake to even think of him from the beginning. I am on my own course of recovery, starting from suppression and slowly, I will progressed to forgetfulness.

i don't know.

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. ...........

decisions

as i was thinking, i remembered that i read my horoscope once and it tells me to move on. so does that mean that i should leave my comfort zone and move on to the new place despite a million uncertainities. Or do i just stick around because i am unwilling to leave people. i am feeling so tired now. it seems that i am always making the wrong decisions.

today...

i liked a tree. But it was gone now. it was a tree who will not gives me shelter but only the occassional fallen leaves. it felt so painful before but now i know.

i saw a heart-shaped balloon floating by my window today. does it mean that my love is going to be here soon?

i don't want to be the one just awarded the fallen leaves while others are enjoying the shade.