the past

Now when all is calm, i can look back and admit that I really once liked him alot.
My recognition of him. And now, i can really see him as just a friend.

night spots

I have looked through the huge glass window inside wine bar and it really felt like watching a movie of mascarade and I was the spectator. Then I wondered, why then am I bothered with visting such spots of make merry? After keeping updated with some of my friends' life now through photographs. I realised that I have not leave homeground.

my answer ....

His OS:
我不喜欢你。
离我而去吧。
我能帮你开门但我不管你是否要进来。

我不喜欢你。
伤你我不会感到心痛。
你的全部和一切的一切不管我的事。
我也一辈子不会为你而感到心动。

Her OS:
我想对你说对不起。
我应该知道的。
就在我从来无法了解你的第一刻开始。
原谅我的天真和单纯想法。
原谅我对你的喜欢。
我会 。。。其实我也没有什么可还或给的。
因为我一直是一个陌生人。

Once upon a time, there is a cupid who fell for a mortal. She had gone through millions before finally managed to convince the council that her love for him is as pure as snow. The council finally relented and granted her plead to become a mortal gal.

But the mortal him whom she had loved began to refuse her in a way which she never thought could be so hurtful. Till finally every actions of his became needles piercing through her heart. With crystal tears, she remembered that the council had told her; should her love for him be unreciprocated, she will suffer a broken heart and died. This was a century old rule for cupids who have asked to abandon their holy tasks and bliss of ignorance to embrace mortal feelings.

The council, on the other hand, cannot bear to see their best cupid evaporate into thin air and finally offer her, now a mortal gal another chance to serve the common good. But on condition that she will never loved again.

The mortal gal who was once a cupid is still deciding ...

Crippled and brusied

I have lost two battles in a row. It is lost, lost, lost and gone. Maybe, this is the courage that i needed to finally walk away from a barren land. The ultimate excuse for an obstinate me. The sudden pain hit me today like an aftermath of an earthquake. I tried not to blame myself too much but somehow words of happiness and past unreciprocated experiences from my kins feel as though someone has rubbed salt on my wounds. Perhaps, underneath all the theories and analysis put forth from friends about me trying to satisfy my ego, I do actually like both of them.

I have became more ascertain of what i stand for. Love is a war of nature which I can never manage and there is never any happiness for me. What I have gotten out of it in the end was just cruel realities and realisations. I am then left with fear, crippled and brusied.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

Abraham Maslow is a genius for coming up with the hierarchy of needs. In his pyramid, he had summarised human needs and our pursuits in life into just 5 levels. Like climbing a ladder, one can only attain higher satisfaction after fulfilling the preceding needs. We cannot see beyond the next level otherwise.

That says much about human behaviour. Because, I am living it as I am trying hard to satisfy my physiological needs of hunger and lack of sleep right now. I cannot indulge too much in my favourite food because I am fast becoming a cow and I am still constantly tired because I don't have the habit of sleeping early. Uncertainty has also became a key word in my path of the future.

With support from my family and friends, what I need now is nothing more than,
(A) Direction + Money
(B) A good home cooked meal
(C) A good sleep and rest

primitively pure

What will my most basic thoughts be if I am stripped of all secondary thoughts, which are the results of my built perceptions and experiences with the world? Do i then need love, money, future or feel saddness, anger, boredom and happiness? Will there then still be imprefections and me thinking of a million possibilities on a daily basis?

Most times, things can be really simple. The answers are so straightforward that it is actually staring you in the face. So I must want to drop secondary thoughts which may never become the most basic part of me.

Ah!!!!!! Why am i being such a bull!!!

If I have to go, then i GO!
If I have to let go of whatever imaginations of him then i let GO!!

good pain or bad pain

good pain or bad pain, they are all a part of me...

Perhaps, it may be true that, it was an idea which i have fallen for. Or I am actually trying to musk my gloom and disappointment with one big fat excuse. I have grown rather sick my distracted self recently. I have to re-align and be focus again. I have compared the source of my good and bad pain to a million of things. He had been a renegade knight, the wind, autumn, toy bear in both a toy shop and toy crane catch machine and even a withered rose and dust. Ultimately, I cannot face him because i ran once i detect a potential rejection with awkwardness. I cannot read him, let alone melt him. I even want to be competitive and win him. Understanding that I am but just holding myself captive, locked in my own disillusion and stubborness to let me let him go.

My good pain is knowing that he has done the part as a good friend, my bad pain is knowing that he is a good friend. Like the blades of a knife. I have been told, if i want to bury away my own feelings, let it then be in peace.

Toy Crane Catch Machine

The idea of the toy crane catch machine comes about when I talked about my latest infatuation. Maybe he is just like this really cute toy in the toy crane catch machine when I happened to pass by. Initially, I am hooked and bent on catching the toy bear but after numerous unsuccessful attempts, I gave up and moved on. But I passed by the toy shop again and seeing him still there, decided to try my hand at it again. The number of tries decreased but i still have the hope to catching it one day. What do i do with it later? I am not sure though ...

between winter and autumn

when winter brushes through autumn during one of those werid season change day. Winter fell in loved with autumn. thus that is why snowflakes begins to melt. It was a love which till today seemed never meant to be because autumn is at the tail end of summer and will always pursue the clear blue sky and warm summer ray.

Autumn never takes a second look at winter, no matter how early winter tries to force its way into autumn's heart. perhaps to autumn, winter is irrelevant to its lifespan. Autumn only exits because of summer and not for snowman or christmas tree. Autumn saddens winter alot.

Winter occassionally thinks if it has come before summer instead, will autumn then appreciate snow.