sunday afternoon

waiting for all my pictures to load onto shutterfly so that i can go out. in the meantime, i am also listening to my current hits of the moment and watching charmed... then i realised that love is the most ridiculous thing that has happened to mankind among a truckload of many other different things. this guy on TV was acting a character who was from a broken home. Thus he habitually bailed out when he gets close with his love interest for fear of them abandoning him first. WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!!! a relationship between a man and woman is so seemingly strong yet volatile and useless all at once. what is this shit of wanting to love and be loved yet can't because i .. er.. i .. er.. modern relationships are a load of crap! nothing but a game between cowardly individuals who are all lonely with empty goals in life.

i said that probably, i am also locked in my own frustration. the him, who i like should not matter to me anymore than i allow him to be. cos' if i can't be bothered, where will he be in my life? EXACTLY! nowhere. people are like collectors' toys, they only have value because the other person deemed them that power. if not, all will be just a piece of junk in the storeroom. honestly, i am also valueless to the other person thus, the big woman in me, encourages the fair treatment too. it is just frustrated with being in frustration over things that i deemed not valuable to any aspects of my life at the moment. except to fulfil my needs of having a companion; someone to give me the reassurance when i need them, feeling of security and knowing that there is someone else who i can hide behind, wait for me, buy me coffee, accompany me home at late hours and on trips to many other places around the world. nice thoughts indeed. but if him, can't do any of these then what is his purpose? thus then i should not have bothered. emotions are all like firefly. alot of them die off and get new lease of life everyday.

i can accept my werid reasoning that he exists and matters because of my current needs to get a person to fill my emotional void where the huge hole was... this should be just the sole purpose. i need to feel neglect bestowed by someone who is almost on par with my ex-crown prince so that i can bury my old pain.