my spell

i wake up flawed and grey since long months ago...

i danced a life of indulgence into self-delusion and irrationality. Yet, involuntarily feeling bits of my thoughts and ambitions being chewed off by this dance of life every passing minute. i once truly believe that i can take off on a dream but before the end, he is just a shadow like all the other shadows of make believe.

i have said a million times and still counting; to be able to give life, i have to learn and grasp me a new lease of life, to forcefully walk down a renew path of uncertainity.

my spell ... when all fairy dust has settled when all old cheese had ran out. start anew on my discomfort and feed on my the desires of my external wants, i will find new cheese.

this is just pure fiction.

in their previous life perhaps between eve and her, adam had chosen her to become the sacrifice. On her, he had planted the kiss of death. then she wished that a single tear she had left in his heart. they met again in present time. while her heart has been as free as a bird before they met, his was already bolted with a ten-tons lock. and so they began a love-hate friendship.

came another one fine day when she chanced upon her old lecturer from fairy school who finally enlightened her that their continuous affinity threads on the single tear which she had left in him. now she is in dilemma because she would like to hold on to this conditioned affection and earned him-time but ...

with her broken heart as the main ingredient and magic spell, she sets him free from her single tear, the obligation that he owes her. she sets him free. it is a tug of war which she will never play and win.

.... i would have done the same

2 nov 2006

i just discovered that when i cry, i can only hear echo. So hollow and crispy clear. A hopeless cry for help and support. he has never been able to help me from the beginning and I have left myself stranded and dry.

getting more and more painful

No more stars, angels, princes and princesses. I am just running away from things that will dragged me back into reality. There are just some things that I can never have so thus waking up is best. Memories are like story books, go to have and then I will just keep them away and won't open the books again because, I don't want to face my pains. Sometimes, I feel like a huge clown in a solo act. I don't want my happiness to be build on charitable sympathies. Maybe, I have always been wrong to get myself suck in the shoe department. This is the best ending for all and my own pains are to be healed by my own hands. Occassionally, it comes back, I just have to be focus again and drive on.

raining and living in a huge air-conditioner

i am in Melbourne again for the fouth time and now, I am just passing time writing this blog and msn-ing till its time to go to the airport. I have decided to take the skybus instead of blowing A$50 taking cab... it is not about saving the money but more on trying a new experience... a couple of days ago, i was pulling my pink luggage and walking along flinders among australians, chinese nationals, japanese, koreans, indians and many other people from all over the world and though i was busy snapping away, i really had no wish to stop and ask them for their life stories because i have been too pre-occupied... in my own thoughts, as usual. these days, i don't know how to describe the way i am leading my life or where exactly i want it to head towards. somehow coming back to melbourne gives me a familiar feeling that makes me affrim that I can actually live here and be simple. things here have not really changed since i first came about six years ago. Except that now, Melbourne Central is back in business and the GPO (general post office) is now a high-end shopping mall. but ultimately, it doesn't really matter where you are .. things that are not meant to change, simply don't change. It is humans who grow and change. I seemd to run here for the same reasons all the time - to escape, seek a past happiness and embrace upcoming changes. yet whenever i return, if it is not a much poorer me, my heart still feels as heavy as the day i left.
Then I thought about leaving my comfort zone and a nice bunch of people and realised that things seemed harder to let go when one gets older. I didn't used to be like this before. Now, i just wish that i can be less sentimental and more focus. Though it is a fact that alot of times, your perceptions on things may differ from what other persons really think but it really doesn't matter till i let it bothers me. you may think that it is self-decieving but it is my choice to live in blissful ignorance. at this point, who and what i like doesn't matter anymore.
i just want to feel like a mechancial robot girl moving on through life and to deny the most important part of me. A part which has been repressed for so long that I am not sure if i am just imagining it now.

reborn

the caterpillar can now truly be reborn. into another new life. another new hope. the morning dew now looks so crystal clear and it has never tastes sweeter. i can soar now with no locks and bolts. my emotions can now take flight!

waiting

waiting ..

I have read something off a powerpoint recently, 'you can't make someone like you. But you can make yourself likeable. Then it is up to the someone to realise your worth'. This sounded very logical and will defintely making me lass passive.

still waiting and thinking if he will realise my worth regardless if i am near him or far ...